Tuesday, December 6, 2011

thoughts pulled from the brain

getting over ppl is a hard thing to do. I have been tryn to get over the same person for yrs. Idk why I can't though. :(

I haven't figured out why I care more about my friends and family than I do myself. I don't understand why I rather hurt than them. I will let them take advantage of me if it will help them. maybe my "heart" is TOO big. i like it though. it makes me happy

I made 2 new friends this semester and already consider them my best friends. They are awesome, funny, smart, interesting, beautiful, helpful. just about everything i could ever hope for in a friend. i love them.

I wish I had someone to love. I wish someone loved me back. I just want someone to cuddle with, smile at, talk to, laugh with, hold me close, and eventually kiss. ppl around me seem to have ppl that entertain their lives and make them feel loved and wanted. I want that. why is it so hard for me to find love? why is it so hard to find someone to be with? why is it hard for someone to love me or want to be with me? im sick of being alone. it's starting to take it's toll.

sometimes i dwell in the past too much. but some of my past is beautiful and some of it is bad. both i seem to dwell on. i need to learn to move on from the past

there's this guy that likes me a lot and wants to be with me but I don't feel the same and I know the main reason i want to be with him is because I want someone to be with. I like him but not as much as he likes me. I wish is did actually but for some reason I get so annoyed by just about everything he does & says. i know i shouldn be with him because we have been tryn to date since June and it has not went anywhere. maybe it's me. maybe im emotional incapable right now for a relationship. especially since i cannot pinpoint why i get so annoyed by him. i mean all i want is to be loved by someone. to feel special and he wants to give me that but he annoys me so much and it hasnt worked yet between us that I think tryn to continue to date him can end in tragedy.

I use to keep everything inside and now I just want to tell it all. Sometimes I tell to much and want to keep my mouth shut but i can't seem to do that. isn't it ironic?

school is so overwhelming. wish i was done with it completely

I praise God for the many blessing I have been giving. You are truly a good God.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


So I haven't decided if I am running from this feeling of emptiness or if I am happy it's with me. Like I recently tried to get help for feeling so down but I ended it because they wanted to talk about things I didn want to mention. Also, because I am aware of this feeling, I am never sure if I truly want it to go away or not. I feel like it gets ppl to pay attention to me though ppl still really don't pay attention to me. Like idk what is what anymore, how I truly feel and y I am so scared. I am truly regressing but I want to stop it, I just don't how or why I feel the way I do about these things. Like my past two "boyfriends" I tried to look past their obvious flaws but of course that didn't work since I am single again. The reason I did that cas I started to feel like it was me pushing guys away so I decided to try to be more open but that didn work. Then I think I'm somewhat pushing guys away cas I am just so mean to them but why? I mean I clearly would like a boyfriend but then I get annoyed with them fast for idiotic reason. I am sick of coming home and being lonely and having nothing to do except watch movies and play the game. I think I push guys away because I get fearful or tell them things they probably shouldn know for awhile. Idk! I'm sick of wanting a boyfriend. Like I have stopped wanting one as bad as I did, but I still want one but I am not desperate and plan to wait. All of a sudden I am weight conscious and trying to work out more tho I suck at it. :( So many problems, so little time. What to do? What to do? What to do?