Worries

So I haven't decided if I am running from this feeling of emptiness or if I am happy it's with me. Like I recently tried to get help for feeling so down but I ended it because they wanted to talk about things I didn want to mention. Also, because I am aware of this feeling, I am never sure if I truly want it to go away or not. I feel like it gets ppl to pay attention to me though ppl still really don't pay attention to me. Like idk what is what anymore, how I truly feel and y I am so scared. I am truly regressing but I want to stop it, I just don't how or why I feel the way I do about these things. Like my past two "boyfriends" I tried to look past their obvious flaws but of course that didn't work since I am single again. The reason I did that cas I started to feel like it was me pushing guys away so I decided to try to be more open but that didn work. Then I think I'm somewhat pushing guys away cas I am just so mean to them but why? I mean I clearly would like a boyfriend but then I get annoyed with them fast for idiotic reason. I am sick of coming home and being lonely and having nothing to do except watch movies and play the game. I think I push guys away because I get fearful or tell them things they probably shouldn know for awhile. Idk! I'm sick of wanting a boyfriend. Like I have stopped wanting one as bad as I did, but I still want one but I am not desperate and plan to wait. All of a sudden I am weight conscious and trying to work out more tho I suck at it. :( So many problems, so little time. What to do? What to do? What to do?