Tuesday, December 6, 2011

thoughts pulled from the brain

getting over ppl is a hard thing to do. I have been tryn to get over the same person for yrs. Idk why I can't though. :(

I haven't figured out why I care more about my friends and family than I do myself. I don't understand why I rather hurt than them. I will let them take advantage of me if it will help them. maybe my "heart" is TOO big. i like it though. it makes me happy

I made 2 new friends this semester and already consider them my best friends. They are awesome, funny, smart, interesting, beautiful, helpful. just about everything i could ever hope for in a friend. i love them.

I wish I had someone to love. I wish someone loved me back. I just want someone to cuddle with, smile at, talk to, laugh with, hold me close, and eventually kiss. ppl around me seem to have ppl that entertain their lives and make them feel loved and wanted. I want that. why is it so hard for me to find love? why is it so hard to find someone to be with? why is it hard for someone to love me or want to be with me? im sick of being alone. it's starting to take it's toll.

sometimes i dwell in the past too much. but some of my past is beautiful and some of it is bad. both i seem to dwell on. i need to learn to move on from the past

there's this guy that likes me a lot and wants to be with me but I don't feel the same and I know the main reason i want to be with him is because I want someone to be with. I like him but not as much as he likes me. I wish is did actually but for some reason I get so annoyed by just about everything he does & says. i know i shouldn be with him because we have been tryn to date since June and it has not went anywhere. maybe it's me. maybe im emotional incapable right now for a relationship. especially since i cannot pinpoint why i get so annoyed by him. i mean all i want is to be loved by someone. to feel special and he wants to give me that but he annoys me so much and it hasnt worked yet between us that I think tryn to continue to date him can end in tragedy.

I use to keep everything inside and now I just want to tell it all. Sometimes I tell to much and want to keep my mouth shut but i can't seem to do that. isn't it ironic?

school is so overwhelming. wish i was done with it completely

I praise God for the many blessing I have been giving. You are truly a good God.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


So I haven't decided if I am running from this feeling of emptiness or if I am happy it's with me. Like I recently tried to get help for feeling so down but I ended it because they wanted to talk about things I didn want to mention. Also, because I am aware of this feeling, I am never sure if I truly want it to go away or not. I feel like it gets ppl to pay attention to me though ppl still really don't pay attention to me. Like idk what is what anymore, how I truly feel and y I am so scared. I am truly regressing but I want to stop it, I just don't how or why I feel the way I do about these things. Like my past two "boyfriends" I tried to look past their obvious flaws but of course that didn't work since I am single again. The reason I did that cas I started to feel like it was me pushing guys away so I decided to try to be more open but that didn work. Then I think I'm somewhat pushing guys away cas I am just so mean to them but why? I mean I clearly would like a boyfriend but then I get annoyed with them fast for idiotic reason. I am sick of coming home and being lonely and having nothing to do except watch movies and play the game. I think I push guys away because I get fearful or tell them things they probably shouldn know for awhile. Idk! I'm sick of wanting a boyfriend. Like I have stopped wanting one as bad as I did, but I still want one but I am not desperate and plan to wait. All of a sudden I am weight conscious and trying to work out more tho I suck at it. :( So many problems, so little time. What to do? What to do? What to do?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What video game have you played the most?

Uncharted 2 = best game EVER created!!

Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...

What do you think was the greatest invention in your lifetime?

Bubble Gum!

Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...

Who's the most famous person you've met?


Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...

What one thing are you exceptionally bad at?

Grammer! oops i mean GRAMMAR!!! hehehehe

Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...

What did you dream about last night?

Fighting ninjas!!!

Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...

Cats or Dogs?


Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...

What's your earliest memory?

Umm idk which memory is first cas I've hit my head too much!

Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...

Who do you think is going to win the Superbowl this Sunday?


Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...

How would you describe your style?


Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like...


Talk to me, talk to me, talk to babyyyyy! Ask me whatever you like... http://formspring.me/apoeticsoul

Rambling Thoughts

1. I'm so cold that just looking at me freezes you. I'm so hot that when I jump inside a volcano everything turns to ash!!! I'm so hypothermia cold and so magma hot, I am ICY HOT!!!

2. RENT is the best musical, play and movie EVER!!!

3. I'm more than amazing, I am bewildering!! (Bewilder is a synonym for amazing. ROFTL)

4. Insanity is one of my closest friends!

5. I don't understand why I am so mean to guys sometimes. Maybe that's why it's so hard to find a boyfriend. IDK!!

6. Why do these girls wear shorts that come above their knees when it's clearly COLD outside?

7. I truly need more fun in my life. But not the kind that will make me to conform/do things I don't want to do.

8. I need better friends and I need to build closer relationships with good friends I already have. 
 and let the bad "friends" go far away.

9. I seriously do not know where my future is going or what career I will be in at it's terrifying, especially since I will be a Senior in the Fall. It's also scary cause I do not know what career I would like to work for probably the rest of my life. And I prefer not to be a career college student.

10. I have no clue why my ring finger on my right hand hurts terribly when I try to bend it, why the joints on that same finger are red, or why it's swollen a little. I also do not why I have runners' knees if I do not run.

11. I don't like people with no morals or people that say they have morals and don't follow them or people with very low standards. I don't get how that doesn't come back to hurt you later.

12. Sadness and this type of anger scares the pants off me.

13. No clue why I feel that I need to blog about certain things. Maybe I need someone that will listen and I can't tell they are judging me or someone that listens and puts effort in trying to help me when I need help. For some reason, I don't feel like I have that anymore and it makes me very sad and angry. So sad and angry that I scare myself sometimes.

14. I wanted this to be numbered evenly so I made a number 14. LOL!

Anyway, enough of my rambles...later!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

My job

I think this maybe my last semester as a resident assistant. I can't deal with screaming girls, guys sneaking up, drunk people, extremely rude and disrespectful people, disgusting bathrooms, spills in the hallways, and loud for no reason people anymore. Like I am fed up!! The problem is this is the only job that pays for my housing and gives me a paycheck. And seeing how I mainly support myself, if I quit I'll have to find another job somewhere for income and a place to live. So at the moment I'm at a stand still since I am not quite sure what to do exactly. I love my job though, maybe I can move to a building that is known for being quiet and I would be happier. I think it's the loudness and people being disrespectful to prove a point they are obviously losing that I can't take anymore. And I'm sure any building I move to will have some people that just have to break the rules. But long as I can get silence when I need it, I think I'll be okay.

Torment from within

So I've been sick for like 2 yrs now, maybe more. Apparently my sinuses hate me and the medicines they give me are not strong enough or something. I mean when I give my body medicine it's like "HAHAHAHA idiots that's weak medicine and just for that I'm going to make you sicker!!! Mwahahahah" Really body...REALLY? I'm so tired and sick of going through two boxes of tissues in a day or not being able to concentrate because my sinus headache is making my head throb. Or because I take three different kinds of sinus medicines to feel better to only get very sleepy and get no work done. Not that the medicines even worked, they only make me sleepy. Take today for example: I woke up, got ready, sat down on my couch and POW sinus cold. So I decide to take some severe cold and sinus medicine and start on my homework but instead of my homework getting done, I constantly moved positions on my couch. I couldn't get comfortable because I was pissed I couldn't breathe and my head hurt. A couple hours later I take more medicine, a different kind and then my cold gets worse. I did not even get half my homework done before I started punching my pillow and almost crying because my nose hurts (from blowing it so much) as well as my head and I still can't breathe. And that's only the beginning, but I won't bore you about my day of suffering, just know at 2:13am which is right now, my head is STILL THROBBING, my nose is stuffy and running and it hurts; and I have taken 5 different kinds of medicine to end this torture, which hasn't ended yet. I know you may say stick to the same medicine for awhile, believe me I've tried. And trust me this is no ordinary sinus cold. I can't just take something and get over it, because I keep getting sinus colds every month without fail for 2yrs or more. Sigh...maybe I need sinus surgery AGAIN since this has been going on for 2 yrs or more. But if I do need it, this will be the 2nd time having this surgery. Gotta love my body!!!!